Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wish I could teleport
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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