Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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