so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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