apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
