Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
