do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
