Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
