Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
