i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
