btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
