I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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