I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
