it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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