hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
