People in love make me want to vomit
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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