i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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