OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
