fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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