I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
