My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
