Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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