Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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