I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think i have two assholes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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