Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
