She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Randomize
