Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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