She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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