Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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