I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
