The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Vodka?
Forever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
