something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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