dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
