she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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