Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
