when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
