Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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