I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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