my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
being pregnant is like rehab
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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