I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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