Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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