Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
