I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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