my being single is dangerous.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
