apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
4 words: hood of his car
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
