Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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