Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
