I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
