My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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