True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
