woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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